,

My younger partner wants five-hour sex sessions and I cant keep up

Sex with my new girlfriend is great, but it can last such a long time. At 51, I am secretly taking viagra to help me as I dont want to disappoint her

I am a male aged 51 and my partner is 40. Six months ago, she left a loveless marriage. I enjoy the sex but sometimes it can last four to five hours, and she will orgasm on average a similar number of times. I have secretly been using Viagra to help me, but I fear that if I ever say I am tired or dont want to continue, she will be disappointed or angry.

No matter who says no (or no more) male or female it truly means no and must always be respected. It is very important to set boundaries. I am not surprised you are using medication to help; ones ability to become, and remain, aroused can be negatively affected by the psychological effects of feeling pressured to perform. There are, however, a number of strategies you could try for example, using oral or manual techniques, erotic games and role-play, or toys. It could also be worth exploring Tantric techniques, since some are well-designed to prolong erotic sessions in a less performance-oriented fashion. At the very least, have a frank conversation with her that begins with a reaffirmation of the enjoyment you experience, then progresses to explaining that there is a point during these sessions when you stop enjoying them especially when you feel overburdened by performance pressure and must insist on taking breaks. Let her know that at such times you need her understanding and respect.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please dont send attachments).

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/aug/28/partner-five-hour-sex-sessions-cant-keep-up

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