They start talking about Tom right off the bat, which is still super annoying because we have to sit through Luann talking about how great he is even though the reunion taping wasn’t even that long ago and they’re already divorced. Like, she literally is just sitting in her rehearsal dinner dress talking about how great he is. She also has some pretty shitty reasoning for why she stands by him when essentially every woman in Manhattan has a shady story to tell about him.
Luann: Well, Ramona’s husband was in a full-on affair.
Andy: Well… she left him.
Of course, as Luann is talking about Tom, she can’t help but subtle brag like, nine million times. Bethenny calls her out for being pretentious AF and constantly referring to her apartment as a penthouse, which is super refreshing because hearing Luann speak without interruption for so long is kind of nauseating.
Next on the chopping block is Tinsley, and I am so glad I am not in her tacky, glittery shoes right now. Her highlight reel basically starts with Carole saying her eyebrows suck in her mugshot, which is just about the lowest blow I can think of. Tins gets a viewer question about why she really didn’t change much even though she came to New York to reinvent herself, and her answer high-key blows.
Tinsley: I didn’t come to New York to reinvent myself. I came back to find myself again.
So, that’s why she’s still dressing in a Constance Billard uniform on the daily. Riiiight.
Side note: Ramona still has a price tag on the bottom of her shoe and it’s driving me nuts. Do you think she bought the shoes just for the reunion and is going to return them after? Or do you think she bought them on the way there and was too turnt on Pinot Grigio to think to take it off? Either way, this price tag dilemma is more interesting than the entirety of this episode, which is clearly a problem.
Tinsley reveals that she’s moving in with apparent nice guy, Scott, in the fall. She also shares that her ex-husband, Topper, was physically and emotionally abusive, which is why she always drank so much. Not to be rude, but like, is this chick trying to get a Tito’s sponsorship or something? All she talks about is vodka. Which is kind of ridiculous, because in the same breath she swears she doesn’t have a drinking problem. Anyway, you’ve gotta respect this girl’s dedication to the blackout.
Andy: Were you drinking at 8 in the morning in Mexico?
Tinsley: Was I up at 8 in the morning in Mexico?
Touché, Tins. Touché.
Next, they discuss Carole, and I’m honestly just shocked that her cats don’t get brought up once. She reveals that she’s on a break with Adam, but they just went on a double date vacation with Tinsley and Scott last week so it’s not like, a real break. They just don’t live together anymore because Carole is an independent woman. It’s not even that she doesn’t need a man—it’s that she’s typically severely annoyed while in the presence of a man.
Carole: When I think about the times in my life that are the most creative and expansive, they’re the times that I am not tied to someone.
How is she not an Aquarius?
Anyway, next the women talk politics, because nothing goes hand in hand like reality television and politics, right? (Sorry, is it still too soon to be making jokes about this?) Ramona and Sonja both reveal that they have had friendships with Donald Trump (aka everyone thinks Sonja banged him), and neither woman would reveal who she voted for… so you know they’re both partially responsible for this shit storm we’re currently in.
Dorinda and Hillary are basically homegirls, so obvi D threw her that vote. Bethenny once did a walk of shame directly into Donald Trump, who then gave her a kiss on the cheek even though she reeked of alcohol, but that charming gesture still wasn’t enough to get her vote. Tinsley didn’t vote because it’s not really “her thing” and she’s a Florida resident and didn’t think to cast an absentee ballot.
Come on, Tins.
Carole: Don’t you think the people who didn’t say who they voted for voted for Trump??
I mean… yeah, probably.
Next up is Sonja, whose storyline was basically the same thing it’s been forever—she’s obsessed with getting attention from dudes. We basically watch a quick like, montage of all of the details of her love triangle with Rocco and Frenchie.
Sonja: Do I really have to relive this?
Honestly, for everyone’s sake, I wish none of us had to watch that again. It was stupid. Obviously, Frenchie is hotter than Rocco, so Sonja’s going to hook up with him for a while and then settle down with Rocco when they’re both a million years old. Luann is pretty sure that Frenchie is a hired actor, and all of the rest of the Housewives agree that they also heard that he was cast as Sonja’s boy. Andy’s like, totally offended and faux-shocked at the accusation that any season might not be totally Real, and Tinsley steps in to claim that Frenchie and Sonja were definitely the real deal because she heard them having sex all of the time. God, I am so over this season.
Next up is Bethenny, which is where the waterworks come in. This betch has had a seriously emotionally draining season, so we’ll give her a free pass for crying in front of everyone. She’s spent three million dollars in legal fees for her divorce from her actual stalker ex-husband, Jason, which is absolute insanity. Ramona keeps trying to cut in while Bethenny is finally opening up about her feelings, and B keeps savagely cutting her off, which is awesome.
Bethenny also adds that she’s in a legitimate relationship with Dennis, after giving him a little space to figure his shit out, and seems to be happy with that!
Perhaps the one actually entertaining thing about this entire episode was the montage of Bethenny skirting out of parties and social situations. It really spoke to my soul. A viewer suggested her new tagline should be “I’m gonna go,” because she pretty much just ditches every social situation halfway through. I support that 200%.
Next week, the season concludes, and I’m actually kind of excited (which totally bums me out). Like, I love to love , but this season was suuuuch a drag compared to last season. Hopefully someone does some real pot-stirring for the next season.