The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Whaboom

Last night we met all of the guys who will be competing for Fit Tea endorsements, a invitation, and least of all, Rachel Lindsays loveand its like holy shit, do all of these guys have seriously deep issues and like, all the same names? Josiah, Jedidah, Diggy, Iggy, Bryce, Bryan, Brady, Blakeits like .

Heres what went down on the first episode of .

Chris Harrison walks out of the house and does his classic season opener where he tells us that this Bachelorette is better than all the last.

Chris: Weve seen seen many Bachelorettes in our history but never have we seen one . dont say with dark skin damn it Chris DONT SAY DARK SKIN so beloved.

After a few fake scenes of watching Rachel (I keep accidentally wanting to call her Lindsay) walk in and out of a court room yelling “I object”, we jump into meeting the bros.

Kenny  Professional wrestler i.e. Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King. Pulled a good move by telling Rachel about his ridiculous job and quickly mopping up the mess by letting her know he has a daughter. TBH isnt his daughter like, way too big to be jumping up on her dad like that?

Jack Stone  Strong name, even stronger teeth. They were shockingly white. I think hes probably used up every influencer on Instagrams teeth whitening discount codes so he came on his show to get his own. Use code JackStone for 10% Off Express Smile Atlanta

Alex  Russian man making various Russian meats with his parents. Why isnt he already with Kristina?

Mohit  Is it weird that I shadily loved Mohit? Even though I question his choice to tell everyone he competitively Bollywood dances, he got drunk but in a way that was so adorable you sort of wanted to root for him. Like when the other guys were coaching him to interrupt a conversation or when Rachel (I typed Lindsay again DAMN IT) and Bryan kissed he whispered nooooo from a distance while air swimming. Oh well, bye Mohit. 

Lucas aka Whaboom  A lot to say about Whaboom. The producers were clearly looking for a male version of Corinne and that simply doesnt exist so they just picked a guy off the streets that looks like hes on a mild strain of crack. I feel like whaboom is just a word that millennials are using to get prescribed more Adderall because the doctors are on to them and the old excuses of cant concentrate and cant keep my room clean.

Lucas or any millennial: But Doc I have whaboom ::WHABOOOOOOOOOM::
Doctor: Holy. Shit. Heres a 20, now please leave I need to take a Xanax.

Blake  Aspiring drummer. He says he works out to build his testosterone level and has a large penis. He also loves talking about sex with girls. Lets do a true bio:

Blake Physical trainer, I just got fired so I have to talk about my drumming aspirations. I work out really hard to build my testosterone in hopes that it will reverse my being gay. I do not love to have sex with girls; in fact, I have never touched a boob. My penis is not large and I have ED.

Did we nail that one?

Josiah  He clearly has a really sad back story, is a lawyer, seems super smart (at least he did on his awkward fake lawyer phone call during the opener) and on paper he seems really perfect for Rachel at first. But when you see him in the house he seems like he likes to stir shit and now were not so sure anymore. Plus 3 for his word play: See you later litigator, what a knee-slapper! I bet that Chris Harrisons just proud to say that hes the first guy to go from the hood to the Bachelor Mansion.

Diggy  Cute but a shoe hoarder. I know I know, men love their sneakers, but 575 pairs? He says his job is an inventory analyst and it is entirely possible that this just means he sits in his room and counts his shoes every day. Yup gang’s all here!

The One Where Rachel Sits Down With Her Squad

Kristina and Raven both looked like they were about to stab Rachel in the eyes.

There were so many of those girls there its as if the producers asked if they could all come thinking like 3 would say no but they all have nothing to do so they all said yes and refused to give up their spot and so thats why there were 6 of them there saying nonsense that no one could understand.

Corinne: Just let your emotions take control. Just let your emotions say yes. And nope.

I want to say that it was really great how Raven can channel her deep jealous rage into pretending to feel emotionally happy and tearful for Rachel but it actually looked like she was going to gauge Rachels eyes out.

Rachel: I love my squad because thats what the producers told me to say!

Okay Back To The Bros

Peter  First guy out of the limo and if he ever dies his last words will be the 5 best places to visit in Wisconsin. Brought up his hometown about 675 times since he stepped out of that limo. Im actually from Wisconsin! Have you tried our cheese curds?

He and Rachel have nothing in common except for the gaps between their teeth. “Its not my fault youre so gap toothed” will be their wedding hashtag. That or #ifuckinglovewisconsin

Jonathan: Im always the first person to make someone laugh. Umm Jonathan is like the last person to make anyone laughmaybe screamscream for help.

Ugh Jonathans way of making Rachel laugh was to tickle her which is such a violation of personal space and not a way a girl wants to be made to laugh. Its actually is a form of torture. Has anyone seen , the incredible documentary exposing competitive endurance tickling!!?? Oh my god does Jonathan work for Jane OBrien Media?

Dean  Brought up the fact that he said the awkward “black and never going back” thing during the After the Final Rose AGAIN. Nothing worse than someone making a joke and then having to discuss the joke afterwards, especially when it was like a few weeks ago. Also she wasnt going to say she didnt like it to your face. Rachel might be sweet, sour, sassy, and classy but shes not mean.

Bryan  Was Bryan not the most meh choice for First Impression Rose ever?

Bryan: “Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en… en la azul… markada.”
Rachel: “Will you accept this rose?”

Then they like, ate each others faces which was really unpleasant to watch. Im going to love watching Bryan try to continue speaking Spanish because he thinks thats what turns her on and Rachel being like, “alright do you have any other tricks?”

Her rose speech to him: 

From the moment you walked out the limo I felt there was something there was unexplainable perhaps it was that I couldnt understand what you were saying since it was in Spanish


That guy she knew from 8th grade  He was v. serious when he came out of the limo. So serious it seemed like he might be a serial killer. Like he was Steve Buscemi in . Came for revenge. Crossed out his hit list with lipstick.

What was up with Adam and the doll? Did I miss something? Why was he speaking French? Why was the dolls facial features drawn on with such precision? I definitely missed something.

When did that other guy have a chance to change into the penguin costume? Again, the producers are trying hard to recreate last season and its not working. Long live the shark dolphin.

First Confrontation Of The Season, Blake vs. Lucas

Blake: Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples. Dude, what goes on at your family reunions?

Blake obviously has a lot of pent-up sexual aggression so he decided to direct it all at Whaboom. Little does our Little Drummer Boy know that because Whaboom has concussed himself to oblivion, he does not care what Drummy Mc Small Dick has to say. WHABOOOOOM.

Its almost as if Whaboom has got himself stuck in an Ace Ventura Movie and hasnt figured his way out.

Everyone was really pissed Lucas got a rose.

Guy 1: no way whaboom is making it past tonight
Guy 2: whaboom aint gettin’ no rose
Marine: Im a marine, theres no way hes getting the rose over me
Rachel: Whaboom, do you accept this rose?

All the guys:

But they were all pissed for different reasons. One was like, “so much for that fake grandparents love story.” The other was like, hysterically crying because he couldnt wear all of his outfits. Which is like totally a fit I would throw at camp, by the way.

This season is really shaping up to a be a shit show, and we cant wait. All these guys come in kind of sort of normal, not that aggressive and end up beating the living shit out of each other. Its like the producers of watched the movie and were like “Wait! I have an idea”

Read more: http://www.betches.com/bachelorette-rachel-week-1-recap

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