Beyonc or her people haven’t publicly said she’s in labor, of course, but that doesn’t matter. You see, some
desperate stans unnamed sources in Los Angeles reported that one of the hospitals there has a ton of security right now, which could only mean one thing. No, not that given today’s climate it makes sense for establishments to take extra safety precautions, but obviously that Beyonc is in labor. I for the life of me haven’t been able to find out which hospital has this reported high security so that I can camp out and wait for the birth of these little deities do some in-person investigative journalism. Oh well. I tried, you guys.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think that Beyonc is currently in labor. Like, for one, do you really think fucking Beyonc of all people would go to a hospital that regular people go to like some peasant? No. This is Beyonc we’re talking about. She’s probably giving birth in some high-end spa that costs like, $3,000 a minute that happens to employ a few doctors and midwives who will sing to her as she gracefully slides out two twins without even breaking a sweat. Come on. Do you think Beyonc would risk contaminating her babies’ air with the air that not just normal people, but normal people breathe? No.
Either that or she’s giving birth at home in the comfort of her own mansion with the company of like, her doula and a bunch of healing crystals and no less than five of the world’s top obstetricians. I’m sorry, but I just cannot imagine a world in which Beyonc gives birth in a regular fashion. This is the woman who almost fell off a chair while pregnant during a live TV performance and released not a diss track, but an entire diss album AIMED AT HER OWN HUSBANDI don’t think “chill” is in her vocabulary.
For now we’ll have to wait and see if these rumors pan out, but I don’t think I’m getting ahead of myself by requesting the rest of the week off of work in preparation. I mean, the twins’ birthday is bound to be declared a federal holiday anyway so I’m just getting ahead of the game.