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The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap Youll Ever Read: DeMari-NO

This week on, Rachel proved to be one of the betchiest Bachelorettes in history. She looked amazing, she gave zero fucks or tears about telling DeMario to GTFO, and she even used her date with Peter to get out of paying a dog sitter. She is a true class act. 

First Group Date

The group date has the guys doing some bizarre whipped AF husband material obstacle course featuring Rachels friends Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. This household chores event is impressive in its ability to be so unrealistic and so retro at once.

Where is the cunnilingus station in the husband material relay race?

I love how none of these black guys give a shit about Ashton Kutcher. Are we being Punkd? Why do Ashton and Mila have to resort to this? Someones agents need to work a little harder.

How did Ashton know that Mila was “the one” at first sight when he met her before he was married to Demi Moore for like, 10 years? Asking for a friend. Ashton does not see Rachels husband in this group but TBH I cant seem to find his acting career here either.

Lucas/Whaboom definitely won because hes on like 50mg of Adderall. They totally had Lucas win the obstacle course to guarantee him one more week on the show without Rachel having to actually pick him.

Blake the aspiring drummer needs to drum his way out of here. He literally will not stop talking shit about Lucas and watching this dumb shit unfold must be how men feel when they watch .

Blake: Lucas is garbage. Rachel is looking for a husband and Lucas is here to be on television. Unlike me, Blake, who is here for everlasting love to be famous on Instagram. 

Blake to Lucas: I know Lucas from a previous encounter reality show. I KNOW HES JUST HERE TO FURTHER YOUR WHABOOM! HES A WHAFAKE!

What does it mean to “further your Whaboom? Is this the new Scientology? Whaboom is not a brand, and we know that because if it was abc would be charging it for this ad space.

Rachel feels like shes not getting the romantic aspect that she needs from this group date. Maybe its because she just had these guys wipe imaginary shit off fake babies for the past three hours?

 

Date With Peter

Peter is super hot.

Rachel: A friend of mine was in an accident, so he’s going to come on our date today if that’s okay?
Peter: *internally screams* yeah omg no prob

Peter gets to go to Coachella for losers aka doggiefest.

Rachel: Peter loves dogs, which is so important to me
Peter: I really love dogs
Meanwhile, Rachel’s dog runs around a pool party unsupervised wearing a plaster cast.

How you know this show isn’t on Bravo: entire dog-based sequence happens without anyone chanting

Rachel and Peter are part of a long line of gap toothed bitches as they discover in their very boring heart to heart.  

Second Group Date

Why does Rachel continuously refer to the celebrity guest spots as her “friends”

All the guys are like so fucking excited Ashton Kutcher isnt in their group date guys and its a basketball player. 

ABC is seriously springing for the celeb appearances this season. Finally, they can get some basketball legends because you know Kareem Abdul Jabbar was not coming out for fucking Nick Viall. 

The white guys are like shitting themselves over this basketball game. Where is white privilege when you need it?

DeMarios girlfriend shows up at the basketball game and said he disappeared for a couple of days and the next time she saw him was after the final rose. This is like a serial ghosters worst nightmare.

Anyone who is not marginally delusional can tell that DeMarios ex was definitely never actually his girlfriend but that DeMario was also definitely a fuckboy who kept their relationship vague and purely sexual. Also, minus five for DeMario for interacting with anyone for six months who has uttered the sentences below on national television.

MORE LIKE DEMARI-NO

And thats what a strong independent 31-year-old woman does. 

Rachel: Youre not being honest so you can get the fuck out.

You tell him, Rachel. Never seen someone side step a waiting Chris B. Harrison like that. 

Rose Ceremony

I love how the guys act so surprised that someone would come on this show with a girlfriend fuck buddy, that only happens at least once EVERY OTHER SEASON.

Alex: Heres an old Russian folk song about dark eyes. Okay, Alexander Petrovsky thats enough.

DeMario then returns, waiting with security and Rachel agrees to go speak to him at the beginning of episode three because refuses to end one single fucking episode of this show with an actual rose ceremony in attempt to claw their way to impeccable ratings. 

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